Now, from the "Smile, Darn Ya, Smile" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez:
1. No clowns were harmed in the critique of the "villain" of this story, although some may suffer emotional scars for a while.

2. My sister has a fear of clowns, and I'm beginning to understand why. I mean, between the makeup, the funny shoes, the penchant for product endorsement, the fine line between slapstick and madness...eewww.

3. I have a friend who actually went to clown camp in Kansas City, MO. He even used to dress up and perform at family day functions for GEICO. However, I think he has hung up his pancake makeup for now. I received my first rubber chicken from him which I passed on to my former mother in law, because as you know, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

4. John Wayne Gacy painted portraits of clowns...right there should have been enough to shut down clown colleges across the US, but apparently no dice. There was actually a clown college taking up residence in my 2nd husband's old junior high school, but apparently they weren't funny enough because they're gone now.

5. I know entirely too much about clowns, so let's just get this over with. Some of this clown's colleagues will be speaking out in this post, so let's put up the bigtop and get this over with.


Tips Lead to Arrest of Clown Assailant
Thu Aug 18, 3:28 PM ET

RENO, Nev. - A man dressed as a clown who assaulted another man and stole his bicycle at last year's Burning Man festival has been sentenced after the victim's friends tracked down the disguised assailant. (That's quite impressive, actually. I think we all need friends who are willing to go all over the place asking people, "Do you know this clown?")

Dennis Hinkamp had to have two plates implanted in his arm after the attack at the annual counterculture festival on the Black Rock Desert. (OW!)

Though his attacker disappeared into the crowd of painted and costumed celebrants, Hinkamp's friends launched an Internet search to find him. (Again, I'm impressed. Maybe my friends will do that for me if Martha Stewart or Tom Cruise ever read my blog, find where I live, and...well, you know the rest.)

They linked him to a group called Anarchoclowns, and finally to a hospital in Washington, where Johnny Goodman was a nursing student. (OK...correct me if I'm wrong, gentle readers, but if you get busted for an assault charge, even if you're get probation, doesn't that screw your chances of a nursing career in the ass? I really don't know these things.)

"If you're a nursing student in Seattle and you're a clown, you're pretty identifiable," Hinkamp's friend, Jim Graham of Felton, Calif., told the Reno Gazette-Journal. (Well, I don't know. My sister used to be a nurse, and her hair was blue once upon a time. She was no clown, however...she knew her stuff and still does. Besides, is it hygenic to wear that much makeup when dealing with patients? How do you sterilize a rubber chicken?)

Goodman eventually confessed and was sentenced Tuesday in Pershing County to one count of conspiracy to commit theft, a gross misdemeanor, District Attorney Jim Shirley said. (Conspiracy? Who the hell else was part of this clown ring? And is a bike really worth it? Wasn't there a "Leave it to Beaver" episode about this? I ask too many questions, don't I?)

Before sentencing, Goodman apologized to Hinkamp for hurting him and to the court for wasting its time, said Graham, who attended the hearing with Hinkamp, a resident of Logan, Utah. (So the bailiff was asked by the judge to "Send In the Clown"? Oh...I'm sorry. That's like a fart you can't hold back, you know?)

Hinkamp said he accepted Goodman's statement. (He's a better person than I would be...I'd be gigglin' my sizable butt off.)

"I generally believe he's remorseful for what happened," Hinkamp told the newspaper, but added he's not sure Goodman was taking full responsibility and might be blaming it on alcohol or a breakup with his girlfriend. (You mean clowns date? Well, that explains where those little clowns come from...)

Goodman paid $21,000 restitution and was placed on probation for three years, Shirley said. He also was barred from Burning Man, prohibited from entering bars or casinos and must submit to drug and alcohol testing. (That's a lot of money for a clown...are we sure it was real? Thank goodness he'd be easy to spot going into a casino or bar..."That clown can't be in here?! Throw that clown out!" As far as drug and alcohol testing, does he go to the lab in clown regalia or in "disguise" as a person?)

Hinkamp, who works as a Burning Man volunteer, said he was riding his bike away from the crowd gathered for the torching of the tall wooden sculpture that marks the festival when he saw the clown coming toward him. (Again, Mr. Hinkamp is a better man than I...I would have freaked if I saw a clown coming toward me while a big wooden thing was burning. I wouldn't know if I was at a circus or a KKK rally!)

"He pushed me over and the way I caught myself, I broke my arm," Hinkamp said. As he struggled to stand, the clown punched him in the face and kicked him several times, he said. (What a jerk! That's it...I'm never going to a circus again!)

The clown rode off on the bike and Hinkamp was helped to the medical tent, he said. Once back in Utah, he was diagnosed with a radial head fracture and underwent surgery. He ended up with two plates and 13 screws in his arm, Graham said. (Ugh...those screws are bad business...he'll be setting off metal detectors forever thanks to that damn clown!)

The clown might have remained anonymous had it not been for the efforts of Graham and others who immediately tried to find the culprit clown. They posted messages on two Burning Man Internet discussion lists asking for tips. (You know, I'm really amazed that people from this event - which I assume was quite sizable - rallied to find this guy. I'm impressed! Are you reading this, friends of Sudiegirl? If I disappear, look for the car with Scientology bumper stickers.)

They soon learned the clown's name was Johnny and that he was part of a group of clowns who had gathered for the event. ("When Clowns Attack", Thursday on FOX...)

In response to the Internet chatter, a person posted an apology, but didn't reveal his name. Graham turned the e-mail address over to a former-hacker friend, who traced it to a medical center in Seattle. ("Hackers aren't a clown's best friend...")

Graham began communicating with the clown, urging him to identify himself and saying it was only a matter of time before he would be found. (So we've got the "good cop" - where's the bad one?)

Goodman eventually came forward. (Well, I should hope so! I'm sure his mother is so embarassed...)

"I did a horrible thing and I should pay for it," his note said. "I don't know what came over me. I'm really not a psycho ... I attacked you and I am deeply ashamed." (Man alive...seriously, how would any of you feel if someone that attacked you came forward and apologized? That takes a lot of forgiveness. Hinkamp is my hero, truly and honestly. I am blown away. And I still don't like clowns.)

Graham and Hinkamp turned the information over to law enforcement, and Goodman was arrested. (Could you imagine the talk at the station house? "You'll never guess who I busted!")
___
Information from: Reno Gazette-Journal, http://www.rgj.com

Sudiegirl's final word?

Well, I actually ran into a few of the clown's colleagues...here's what they had to say...


Bozo sez: "Hey kids! It just goes to show you that crime doesn't pay! And remember, nothing says fun like a hula hoop by Wham-o!"






(Nothing like commercialism, huh?)


The Killer Klowns from Outer Space say...well, we're not sure what they'll say...they look kind of hungry so I think we'll just move on, 'k?




This clown with a cute puppydog says..."Isn't he cute? Look at this cute little puppydog...ooh, so cute!" (Well, obviously this is getting us nowhere.)













And finally, nothing says "Fun" and "high cholesterol levels" like America's favorite corporate schill, Ronald McDonald! Excuse me, Ronald...Ronald? Uh-oh...looks like Ronald's a LITTLE busy at the moment; guess they're really craving Big Macs down at the police station and they want that speical civil service discount. Not sure why they've got Ronald in chains, though...unless he likes that kind of thing...








And there you have it, folks...this clown's colleagues really came together in his hour or need and...oh, to hell with it. This is just too damned weird, even for me! I'd better go take my medicine like a good little BP patient...

Sudiegirl the clown-hater

P.S. "Be A Clown, Be A Clown...all the world loves a clown..."