Maybe I wasn't meant to understand?

OK, I never said I was a fount of wisdom. Hell, some days it's all I can do not to drool on my own feet if I have to bend over and pick something up. But there are many things in this world I just DON'T get and I don't know if it's something wrong with ME or if I'm the only sane one in the world. Oh, honey, if you want examples, I'll give 'em straight over. BTW, Lucy is acting out my puzzlement.

1. In the world of plus-size womens' clothing, is there really any reason for low-rise pants/jeans? Granted, they are a little more subtle than our misses and juniors counterparts, but still, I wonder. I went to Target and Walmart today to find a couple pairs of inexpensive dress pants for work, and there was a really limited supply of stuff that appealed to me. At the Target in my neighborhood, the plus-size department is totally non-existent, blending in with the maternity wear (and we all know how Sudiegirl feels about MATERNITY, don't we? As in, "It's something like hell she runs away from?"). At Walmart, the section is a bit bigger, but we have a serious problem. We either have the elastic-waist twill pants that someone's mother/grandmother/crazy lady next door wears hiked up to her armpits, the plus-size version of "low-ride", or these polyester-esque slacks that look like Mary Tyler Moore kicked them out of her closet. No normal-looking pants. I don't want to look like I stepped out of Fat Chick Vogue, I just want to go to work and not get in trouble for being against dress code. So sue me!

2. I will rag on Walmart for one more entry...I don't know if this is at every Wal-Mart or just the one in my neighborhood, but it seems like every time I go there it looks like a herd of rhinos stampeded through it. It's unbelievable. Merchandise everywhere, employees looking lost, and you can't get through the damned aisles because you might trip on something or someone. I loved going to Wal-Mart back home because even though they were putting out merchandise it never seemed to be in the way to speak of. Maybe I'm just romanticizing the whole thing, but I really can't stand going to Wal-Mart out here on a regular basis. Also, it seems like everyone with children on the verge of tears seems to decide to bring them to Wal-Mart at the exact same time I decide to go. Sound REALLY travels at Wal-Mart, and when I hear a kid start screaming, one muscle in my right eyelid starts to tic like Herbert Lom's did in "The Pink Panther" movies. So there I am, staggering through the plus size section trying to find decent pants looking like I'm flirting with everyone because my right eye is winking involuntarily. The men are either nervous or happy and all the women want to beat my brains in.

3. Another thing I don't understand is the fact that my significant Doug (whom I love more than life itself) can put together a really intricate model but he is unable to remember things like sending birthday cards on his own. Is it a guy thing, or just unique to him?

4. Why is it that men from your past seem to show more interest in you when they can't have you? This has happened to me a couple of times, and I am constantly amazed at how memories change and some completely disappear after years and years. It's like they forgot about how much you fought or how much their mother hated you and tried to break you up. It's just amazing. I am not sure how to cure this instinct in men so they can actually talk and reminisce without them suddenly having the urge to rip off your clothes with their teeth and ride you like the Kentucky Derby. If anyone knows how to take care of this, please comment!

So in closing, fellow passengers on Spaceship Earth, HELP!!!!!!

Sudiegirl the befuddled