And now, from the "Free at Last, Free at last, what the hell were the feds thinking that she's free at last!?" files, and Yahoo News/Associated Press

(Sudiegirl sez: I saw this and my heart leapt with joy…NOT! Actually, I am hoping – and using my Martha Stewart voodoo doll to help the process along just a smidge – that she’ll mess up and try to beat up some poor Starbucks employee because they put too much foam on her latte. She’s got some control issues, non? Anyway, just ‘cuz she’s free of service to the state doesn’t mean she’s free of ME! Whahahahahah…)

Martha Stewart to Remove Ankle Bracelet
By VERENA DOBNIK, Associated Press Writer
1 hour, 34 minutes ago

Martha Stewart will soon be stepping into the future with a lighter foot. Stewart's electronic ankle bracelet comes off at "12:05 tonight," she told The Associated Press on Wednesday, adding with a smile that the prospect of being rid of it fills her with "nervous excitement." (OH god…where the hell are my Tums? I’m about to be totally ill.)

The 64-year-old domestic guru's probation officer told the AP that she's allowed to snip the rubber band on the anklet herself, freeing her from what she has called her "hideous" confinement at her 153-acre estate in Katonah, in Westchester County. (Oh yeah, that “hideous” confinement on her 153-ACRE ESTATE? What the hell? You know, before Communist Russia collapsed, many people in that country would have gladly welcomed house arrest on her 153-f*****g-acre estate. I really doubt Ms. Stewart has ever had to live 10 to a room in a tenement or anything like that, so I think I would like to offer her a cool, frosty glass of shut-the-hell-up. The recipe, BTW, will be in another future entry, and I will send a copy to Ms. Stewart if she so desires.)

She said the electronic device "has to be delivered with the transmitters tomorrow" — that is, handed over to federal authorities on Thursday. (Whoopee. I’ll be staying home and watching it live on CNN.)

For more than five months, including a three-week extension of the house arrest for violating probation rules, Stewart was forced to stay at her home for all but 48 hours a week, her every move tracked electronically by federal authorities. In one Internet chat with fans, she said of the anklet: "I hope none of you ever has to wear one."

(You know, the more I read this the more PISSED I get. OK, all but 48 hours a week? Ya know, when I’ve been out of a job and gas prices have been higher than Martha’s standards for home decorating, I put myself on mandatory house arrest. What I wouldn’t give for 48 hours away from home in that situation; more than likely, she was also out earning money telling people how they too can make bird feeders out of empty yogurt containers. Meanwhile, I was just broke, out of a job, and watching my cats sniff each others’ asses. Would you like to switch, Martha? I bet not.)

Chris Stanton, the chief federal probation officer in New York, said any offender could remove the bracelet after midnight of the last day of house arrest. (The question is, is it a good idea to let her around sharp instruments in case someone makes her mad – like her ex-husband or her gardener – and then she slices their throat? They didn’t put restraining orders against the lady for nothing, you know.)

Stanton said there was a standard procedure for regaining full freedom. (Oh, DO TELL! I eagerly await.)

"We advise the offender in advance that unless they otherwise hear from us, at 12:01 a.m., they can cut the bracelet off — it's just a rubber band," he said. Then, "all monitoring will cease." (Wait just a pre-fabricated minute…if it’s just a rubber band, what’s the problem? I mean, you see everyone and their dog wearing those Lance Armstrong “LiveStrong” bracelets, and they’re glorified rubber bands. Also, the bracelets rot off after a while if you wear them day in and out {at least the cheap ones do} and would just fall off. She’s such a damned weenie! I mean, my junior-high aged niece wears about 10 of those things on one arm and do you hear her complain of discomfort? NO! Not from the bracelets, anyway…)

If Stewart is monitored from now on, it'll be by media hordes that have followed her since she was released from a West Virginia prison five months ago. (Media hordes following a media whore? Perish the thought…)

Stewart was sentenced last year to five months behind bars and five months of house arrest after she was convicted of lying to authorities about her 2001 sale of about 4,000 shares of ImClone Systems Inc. stock. (You know, nobody ever responded to my idea of having her come clean my apartment to help her fulfill service to the state, as it were. Why the hell not? That’d be a reality show in and of itself…”Clean Rancho Sudiegirl!”)

Stewart had expected to shed the anklet on Aug. 10, but her house arrest was extended by three weeks because of an unspecified probation violation. She reportedly was seen riding in an off-road vehicle on her estate and attended a yoga class nearby. (I think you regular readers remember the joy I expressed on that day…it’s still funnier than s**t.)

She will be on probation for a year and a half, meaning that until March 2007, she is not allowed to get drunk (bummer - there goes that idea for her "What kind of crudites does one serve at a kegger?" article...), own a gun (that’s not a good idea for Her Unstableness, even if it was pink chrome and festooned with antique Belgian lace) or leave the federal court district (for her other homes in Connecticut, Maine and the Hamptons, for example) without permission. (I think I should go stand right outside her fence with travel brochures in my hands, doing a dippy dance and going, “Ha ha hee! Can’t go with me!” Whataya think? Beats watching the Jerry Lewis Telethon.)

She must meet with her probation officer whenever requested and submit monthly reports on her activities (Does that mean a free copy of her magazine for the probation officer? Makes sense to me…), and she cannot associate with other convicted felons unless she wants to become an informer. (Well, there goes that interview show featuring Leona Helmsley, Scott Petersen and the BTK killer from Kansas.)

If she does violate the rules and gets caught, the terms of her probation would likely be tightened, including a return to home confinement, electronic anklet and all, Stanton said. (HAHAHAHAHAHAH! This time, make it a hair anklet so she’ll really have something to “martyr up” about)

Despite the electronic shackle, Stewart has been active, especially in her flagship magazine, Martha Stewart Living, where she's been writing about cooking mussels, choosing paint colors, sifting flour and determining whether yeast is fresh. (That’s what the cockroaches in my kitchen are for. If they’re not in the flour, and they’re dead, that means the yeast is not fresh anymore. I think it’s simple enough…and if you come to my house, it’s better to go out to eat.)

Freed from home confinement, she'll be much more visible — with two new television shows. (If they’re not on Cartoon Network, I’m not interested…although I would like to see her do a show with Ed, Edd and Eddy. Especially when Ed says, “And I will get in the way and make a big mess” in the pizza-making episode.)

"Martha," her syndicated weekday lifestyles show, premieres Sept. 12. "It's a how-to show with entertainment and a live audience," Stewart told reporters last week on the sprawling set of the show. "It's not a talk show — I don't see a couch anywhere." (Well, SHIT, Martha…just make one out of egg-cartons and toothpicks! Isn’t how they did it in Colonial America?)

"The Apprentice: Martha Stewart," a weekly NBC prime-time series, premieres Sept. 21. (If I can find a willing victim – er, partner – to share the Martha experience with me, I might just watch it and give a weekly update in this loverly blog. What say you, people?)
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On the Net:
Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia: http://marthastewart.com
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Associated Press Writer Frazier Moore contributed to this report.
Sudiegirl’s final word?

Long live frozen TV dinners, Velveeta and macaroni and cheese with Spam and peas!

Uncultured and proud of it,

your lovin’ Sudiegirl