And now, from Forbes magazine and the "Well, can you eat it with Cheez Whiz?" files...

"Touch my food and you'll pull back a bloody stump..."

Sudiegirl, on a daily

basis.

Sudiegirl sez: OK, so it's a leisurely Sunday morning, I'm surfin' da 'Net, and I find this beautiful article from Forbes magazine, well known for the staff's expertise in nutrition and being able to identify with the common populace. (BTW, that last part was sarcasm...know it, live it, be one with it.)

Anyway, I was very disheartened to read their list. Why? Because with the exception of two foods, all are foods I like to eat! (That there should explain something...) I mean, what is life without gooey cheese? What is existence without a hearty bun surrounding a nicely-cooked piece of ground sirloin? Why continue to breathe if you can't have PASTA with CHEESE and BUTTER!? I tell you, it is the saddest thing I can think of to be deprived of.

Anyway, I am enclosing the article, my snotty comments, plus a link to the Forbes website so you can view pictures of what they deem to be "bad" for you. I'll also have a few surprises...so steady on, dear ones...we'll show 'em!

Health

The Best (Worst) Foods

Forbes.com

By Susan Yara

Nutritionists are to food what safety engineers are to the auto industry: If they had their way, eating wouldn't be any fun at all. (Damn Straight, Ms. Yara! So far, so good.)

That's because for most people food is about taste first, and nutrition second. For nutritionists, unsurprisingly, it's the other way around. In fact, they'd be happy if most of us lived on bark and berries. (Are you sure they're not just...you know...sadists?)

Yet, as much as we might grumble about them, we should be grateful. After all, they are the ones who keep us from living exclusively on chicken wings, pizza and doughnuts. (Is this the part where I'm supposed to be grateful yet?)

Even if we don't always eat smart, most people have a pretty good idea of the link between foods that are high in calories and fat, and the impact these foods have on our health. (Yeah, but you know what? My grandparents lived to be over 100, and my grandmother believed that you should have gravy as often as possible! And she was skinny, as was Grandpa. And if a food is comforting, doesn't mental health come into play as well?)

Fried foods, foods heavy in sugar or starch and foods covered in chocolate or grease are usually pretty easy to spot. If eating is like a videogame, avoiding Big Macs or Ring-Dings is like winning the first level; the more challenging adversaries are still to come. (Well, if eating is like a videogame, then obviously we don't want to have the world over-run by evil aliens like Big Macs and Ring-Dings {which, for my Midwestern readers, are the East Coast equivalent of Ding-Dongs and are really good with peanut butter} and as good Americans, we simply can't let that happen! I will gladly sacrifice myself for the cause...and pass the Mountain Dew while you're at it; I wanna get a good caffeine buzz goin' on while I'm at it.)

This is never more true than when dining at a good restaurant. (Well, you know I'm safe. If it doesn't have "Bob Evans", "Denny's" or "IHOP" on the sign, I'm not in their demographic.) Menus, particularly after a cocktail or two, can be hard to negotiate, especially when your appetite begins to cloud your judgment. (You mean PEOPLE drink BOOZE before they eat? Oh Lord...call the papers! Usually, I lose my appetite after a few drinks. Apparently not everyone has that problem.)

Even if one doesn't know exactly what ingredients the chef used to create his Maryland Crab Cakes or signature Risotto Milanese, it pays to be on the lookout for potential hazards—or at least to know what they are—so that when ordering heart-attack hand grenades, such as sautéed foie gras, one can at least make an informed decision. (OK, I know this much...fois gras = LIVER. Liver is an organ that processes toxins in the body. Why would I want to eat something that processes TOXINS? I mean, for example, the polar bear's liver is poisonous. What makes gourmets so sure that fois gras isn't poisonous? Plus, don't they force-feed the geese to make the....eww...liver extra tasty? What an image that sets up. Pass the Cap'n Crunch, please...)

For example, many well-heeled and normally calorie-conscious regulars flock to restaurants where the most popular dishes are often the least healthy. For example, New York City’s famed 21 Club sold almost 3,000 plates of its sinfully creamy chicken hash in 2004—no doubt to the horror of the diners' doctors. The reason is that its main ingredients—cream, butter, flour and cheese, in addition to chicken—are all fat. (You make that sound like it's a bad thing. Unfortunately, it's something I would have a double order of, then have to refinance my car in order to pay for, I'm sure. Does Bob Evans have a recipe for this yet? You might wanna give him a call on that one.)

"That’s what makes it good," says 21 Club’s Executive Chef Stephen Trojahn, "Honestly, fat is the vehicle that flavor comes from. You need some sort of fat to make food taste appealing." (Dude! You're my HERO! {imagine me swooning}) It’s a statement that can’t be disputed. The most commonly ordered meals are usually the heavy ones, and many chefs will agree that fat sells food. So while they bring on the flavor, your health is suffering the consequences. (Yeah, but look at the big picture...when you've had a hard day of corporate pillaging, insider trading, and picking out scarves at Hermes, which is more satisfying? A dry-looking salad with some kind of pickled huckleberry vinaigrette with ultra-virgin olive oil, or something that's rich, creamy, cheesy and smells like baking chicken on a Sunday? I think the choice is obvious. There's just more than arteries in the spectrum...there's your emotions as well, and sometimes you just can't deny yourself something satisfying after a hard day. You just have to know when to stop, which is the real trick.)

"Most Americans dig their graves with their teeth," says Dr. Jay Kenny, nutrition research specialist at the Pritikin Longevity Center in Florida (That's funny...most folks I know use a shovel and a spade, or their hands if they're in a pinch), but "you have to eat badly for decades before it starts to show its damage." Heart disease and cancer are some of the worst results of diets high in fatty foods. (Again, let's use my grandparents as an example. My grandfather had developed a calcified aortic valve, and it was replaced in 1978 with a pig valve, one of the first surgeries of its kind in the nation. He outlived one of his surgeons, I believe, and he ate "comfort food"...foods rich in cream, butter, milk, fat...and lived to be 101. He really didn't have trouble until the last six months of his life. Hmmm...is there a connection?)

Nutritionists say about 68% of Americans are overweight, and with such easy access to high-fat meals, it’s no wonder. The average diet should consist of only about 1,400 to 2,000 calories per day. Fat can make up a portion of the calories, but it should be the monounsaturated or polyunsaturated type found in food like avocados, nuts and fish. (Does peanut butter count?)

So, although a cheeseburger makes a quick fix for lunch, it packs in 1,000 calories, on average. If you add eggs Benedict with hollandaise sauce for breakfast and meat loaf for dinner, the total calories for the day will exceed 2,500. And that doesn’t include side items, like snacks and drinks. Oz Garcia, Ph.D., who was twice voted the best nutritionist by New York Magazine, says, "Eating healthy becomes a ticket to prosperity; the body can’t handle such a large volume of food after time. I’d rather be healthy enough to run, build my company and have a great sex life." (OK, what if you don't like to run, don't have a company, and sex isn't that important? {BTW, the only thing that isn't true for me about that statement is the last part...otherwise, we're right on the money.})

Although it is OK to give your arteries a workout from time to time by digging into meat loaf or fried clams, many nutritionists say moderation is a good start to eating right. Still, most would suggest eliminating fatty foods completely to ensure your health. (OK, then I think what I'll do is eliminate fatty foods completely, then go live with whichever expert is closest to me so they can witness my withdrawl. I guarantee they'll be buying me a pint of Ben & Jerry's toot-suite, and none of that low-cal crap either.)

That’s why it’s up to you to make a good decision. You can indulge in a nice meal here and there, but keep in mind the long-term effects it will have on your future. Whether dining in or out, there are some foods that always set off our arterial alarm bells, no matter how good they taste. That's not to say one should never eat them, because, frankly, these foods are just too darn delicious to forgo forever. But don't say we didn't warn you. (I'll consider myself warned. Now don't get between the fat girl and the buffet.)

OK: Here is the written list of foods. If you want to see the slideshow, go to the Forbes.com website and access it there. In the meantime, here are my honest, unbiased opinions.

1. Eggs Benedict with hollandaise sauce (72 g fat/1000 calories)

(OK, right out of the cute they've pissed me off...that's so not fair! I LOVE eggs Benedict.)

2. Cheeseburger (68 g of fat/1000 calories)

(Now they're gonna honk off Jimmy Buffett..."I like mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french-fried potatoes...")

3. Duck confit 60 g of fat/1000 calories

(What the hell is a "confit", anyway? Can you eat this with Kraft Mac & Cheese, because Safeway is havin' a sale...)

4. Fondue 50 g of fat/1300 calories

(You know, these folks are being downright unfair! You know why? Because cheese with no fat, or artifical cheese, doesn't melt for s**t. It just kind of falls apart in chunks. You gotta have the good stuff for it to look pretty and taste divine.)

5. Fettucine Alfredo 40 g of fat/500 calories

(OH, just shoot me now. I'm going to chain myself to this pasta dish and you can't stop me for love or money! Got it? It's like chaining myself to a tree to protest...)

6. French Fries 30-50 g of fat/600-1000 calories

(You know, I remember Julia Child saying one of her favorite foods was McDonald's french fries. I mean, Julia is the patron saint of good food. Why shouldn't we respect her memory and eat french fries? I know I will.)

7. Fois Gras 35 g of fat/300-400 calories

(This is the only item on the list I agree with. I will stay as far away from it as I possibly can.)

8. Chicken Hash 30-35 g of fat/400 calories

(You know what? This dish sounded so good, I think when I'm done with this entry, I'm going to look up the recipe and figure out how to make it! Then I'll call up Forbes magazine and eat it over the phone while I'm on hold! HAHAHAHAHAH)

9. Fried Chicken 20-30 g of fat/200-400 calories

(Again, why don't ya just cut out my heart, dammit? I don't eat fried chicken that much, but when I eat it, there's no stopping me.)

10.Lasagna 30 g of fat/500 calories

(Garfield is gonna kick your ass...just be warned...)

Sudiegirl's final word?

OH, I'm so exhausted from spewing vitriol...I think I'll have a tofu smoothie. Ha, just kidding. More reactions will be noted in a future entry...stay tuned!

Sudiegirl the sated