Well, gee...if "Cooter" is agin' it...

(Sudiegirl's usual disclaimer...OK, first of all, I admit that I had a crush on John Schneider in the 5th and 6th grade ONLY because Donny Osmond got married and it was a case of rebound, pure and simple. I watched the original "Dukes of Hazzard" because that's what everyone seemed to do in Washington, Iowa on a Friday night. I have addressed this issue in therapy, and I'm now comfortable with it. However, I don't think Cooter {which, by the way, sounds more like a nickname for a woman's body part that would get anyone smacked if they called another guy that} will influence my decision on whether or not to sink $9.00 of my hard-earned money into this film, which I'm sure is destined to be a classic, and by the way, in case you're wondering, I'M BEING SARCASTIC!!!!!! Usual snotty comments are enclosed, and I'm sure I'll be hearing from Cooter's thugs, Billy Bob and Bubba, real soon. Read on...)


'Cooter' Urges Fans to Skip 'Dukes' MovieWednesday July 13 6:08 PM ET

If television's "Crazy Cooter" has his way, fans of the "Dukes of Hazzard" may be speeding away from a new movie version of the cornpone classic faster than the Duke boys running from Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane.
(OK, anyone who prides himself on that nickname needs medication worse than I do.)

Ben Jones, a former Georgia congressman who played the wisecracking mechanic on the popular series from 1979-85, said profanity and sexual content in the film make a mockery of the family friendly show. (As if the original show didn't already alter America's views of the post-Civil Rights Era South..."Gee, they're really just like us except they weld the doors shut on their cars and use the windows to exit, and their women dress slutty every day!")

"Basically, they trashed our show," said Jones, who now lives in the mountains of Washington, Va. (The reporter failed to mention how many hound dogs were on the porch and the capacity of the still in the backyard made out of a 1969 Buick LeSabre.)

"It's one thing to do whatever movie they want to do, but to take a classic family show and do that is like taking "I Love Lucy" and making her a crackhead or something." (Well, you know, Lucy did run around a lot, was delusional, and had mood swings. Maybe there's something to that whole "crackhead" theory...and Desi was a boozer and womanizer in real life, so there ya go. And BTW, "The Dukes of Hazzard" being compared to "I Love Lucy" is kind of like comparing toasted Brie to melted Velveeta.)

Jones said he read a script of the movie (right there, that's a shocker...was it written in crayon with large print?), which is scheduled to be released next month, and that it contained profanity, "constant sexual innuendo and some very clear sexual situations."
(Cooter apparently wasn't present on shooting days when the Duke boys wore tight jeans and cowboy shirts buttoned down to the middle of their chest. And there's a reason they call those shorts "Daisy Dukes", Mr. Cooter, sir...and didn't most of the action occur on or around a BAR called "The Boar's Nest"? God, I'm remembering way too much about this stupid show. I don't even want to discuss Roscoe P. Coltrane's predilection for buttermilk.)

On Wednesday, Jones wrote an open letter to fans on his web site, cootersplace.com, urging them to stay away. (I'll stay away from his website, no problem...don't have to tell me twice. However, I don't think that's what the reporter meant, is it? Don't leave a sentence danglin', that's all I have to say...)

"From all I have seen and heard, the "Dukes" movie is a sleazy insult to all of us who have cared about the "Dukes of Hazzard" for so long ... (all eight of us...oops, sorry, I inserted that...imagine me smirking right now)," Jones wrote. "Unless they clean it up before the August 5th release date I would strongly recommend that true blue Dukes fans hold their noses and pass this one up." (Unlikely, Mr. Cooter, sir. People are inherently stupid, especially if they're going to see a movie based on a TV show that had a stupid premise in the first place.)

A spokeswoman at Warner Brothers pictures, which is releasing the movie, did not immediately return phone calls seeking comment on Wednesday. (Well, it's kind of hard to respond to phone calls that go, "Is yer refrigerater runnin'? Well, ya better go ketch it!")

"The Dukes of Hazzard" was a surprise hit for CBS, combining with "Dallas" to earn some of the highest Friday-night ratings in television history. (Now "Dallas", back in the day, rocked the house. It got stupid after that whole "Bobby shower scene" fiasco, but it used to be a great show.)

The show pitted "good-ol' boys" Bo and Luke Duke and their moonshine-running Uncle Jesse (Ah, that must be the family-friendly part...nothing like illegal production of alcoholic beverages to keep a family together) against the crooked politician Boss Hogg and his bumbling henchman, Sheriff Coltrane, in fictional Hazzard County.

Reruns of the show began airing on the CMT network this year, earning some of the best ratings ever on the country music cable channel. (Gee, that explains a lot about CMT, doesn't it?)

In the movie, Johnny Knoxville, who made his name on MTV's controversial stuntfest "Jackass," and Seann William Scott, who starred in the raunchy "American Pie" movies, play the main characters. (And they're both butt-ugly.)

Pop star turned reality TV icon Jessica Simpson plays Daisy Duke. (And remember, she doesn't eat buffalo.)

Jones was elected to Congress in 1988 as a Democrat. He lost his bid for a third term in 1992 after his district was redrawn, then lost two other bids for House seats, one in Georgia and another in Virginia. (Right there makes me want to vote for Nader again...I'd be almost ashamed to live in a congressional district where my legal rights were protected by "Crazy Cooter".)

He owns Cooter's Place, a "Dukes" memorabilia shop in Gatlinburg, Tenn. and plans to open another in Nashville. He also is an organizer of "Dukesfest," an annual outdoor concert and convention celebrating the show in Bristol, Tenn. (Well, that's another get-together I'll be missing...gotta shave my legs that weekend, and that's a big job.)

Sudiegirl's final opinion?

I need more therapy to get over "The Dukes of Hazzard", I think.

Your favorite recovering redneck,
Sudiegirl

The Net:
Cooter's Place, http://www.cootersplace.com
"Dukes of Hazzard," movie, http://dukesofhazzard.warnerbros.com/