Musings of a chick: How absolutely f*****g smurfy this is...

(Sudiegirl's note...I wanted to coordinate my text color with dear Vanity Smurf to my left. I've lived through many horrific theatrical experiences..."Glitter", "Showgirls", "Battlefield Earth"...but nothing prepared me for today's Hollyweird news that they're gonna make a damned SMURF movie. Yes, I watched them in junior high...that was before the wonderful world of satellite TV reached the rural hamlets of my youth. Yes, I had Smurf folders for school supplies. I also drew scars, tattoos and horns on them to further mar their incessant goodness that radiated from the cardstock on which they were affixed. You know, if Hollyweird doesn't get an original idea in their head soon, I'm just going to crack and start watching the golf channel once I get cable again! The usual snotty comments are enclosed. )

A Smurfin' Movie Deal

Tuesday July 19 6:13 PM ET (A day that will live in infamy...)

Fans of a certain animated tribe of small, blue woodland creatures haven't gotten a lot of love lately: No new TV episodes, no old TV episodes on DVD (outside of a couple of import releases), no real news on a long-rumored movie.

(And we were FINE with that, dammit!)

Now, finally, things are looking rather smurfin'. (Oh be still my queasy stomach...)

A 3-D, CGI-animated Smurfs feature film will bow in theaters in 2008, Daily Variety reported Tuesday. The extravaganza from Paramount's Nickelodeon Movies will be the first in a planned trilogy, it said. (OH DEAR GOD! "Lord of the Smurfs"? "The Two Smurfs"? "RETURN OF THE SMURF"? You know, some trilogies are not necessary!)

According to Newsweek, the project has been trying to get off the ground since at least 2003. (Of course, since they're only three apples tall, that is a rather daunting request.) Word of the done deal comes a week after DreamWorks and Paramount set a July 4, 2007, release date for The Transformers, another animated TV series due for a big-screen makeover. (Although, after seeing the "Thunderbirds" remake, I am now desensitized to the whole Transformer thing...nothing could be worse, could it?)But while Transformers fandom has thrived, fueled by new series and product, the smaller legions of Smurf faithful have waited. (The question is...why?)

"Dude, a Smurf movie?" went a message-board post on TheMovieBlog.com last month after Newsweek noted a film was nigh. "That's the smurfing best thing I've heard in smurfing forever." (Dude, are you smurfing kidding me? It's the most smurfing annoying thing I've heard in my lifetime and I paid money to see "Glitter"!)

Like the Transformers, the Smurfs were a phenomenon of the 1980s, unless one lived in Europe, where the characters have been mainstays since 1958, when Belgian artist Pierre Culliford, better known as Peyo (or the guy that introduced those little blue BASTARDS to America), introduced them in the comic pages. The new movie's planned release date supposedly is tied to Smurfdom's upcoming 50th birthday. (So the Smurfs are into bondage, huh? Who would have thunk it?)

Peyo's creations--the aforementioned small, blue woodland creatures who lived in homes shaped like mushrooms, whistled happy tunes, conjugated the word "smurf" in any way they saw fit, and named themselves Ramones-style (Papa Smurf, Brainy Smurf, Grouchy Smurf, etc.)--blew up as big as any Transformer robot in 1981 when The Smurfs debuted on NBC. The Hanna-Barbera-produced series won two Daytime Emmys, moved much merchandise, from Smurf-Berry Crunch cereal to countless figurines, and dominated Saturday morning TV until 1990. (Please note that I am very sorry I contributed to their booming Belgian success...refresh your memory by reading the disclaimer above...) A 1983 big-screen adventure, The Smurfs and the Magic Flute, grossed $11 million, per the box-office site The-Numbers.com, even though it was nothing more than a retitled, redubbed version of a 1976 Belgian-produced movie. (So the Belgians are at fault for something besides Jean Claude Van Damme, huh? Who knew?)

There was no word on voice actors for the new film. (Oh, BOY, that's a loaded statement...my ideas will be listed below.) The Smurfs' family recently lost Gargamel, the bad, and Baby Smurf, the good, in the death of performer Paul Winchell. Don Messick, who voiced Papa Smurf and others, died in 1997. (And you know what? I'm still mourning both of them.) Smurfette, meanwhile, lives. Lucille Bliss, who gave high-pitched voice to the tribe's lone female member, is 76, and still working.

As for Peyo, he died in 1992. His progeny, however, has kept right on their merry way. (However, for the rest of us who suffer from Smurf-induced diabetes, we have to take insulin for the rest of our smurfy lives. God bless Belgium. Can't they just make lace and chocolate and leave it at that?)

Sudiegirl's final smurfy opinion?

Here's who I think should do the voices for the new Smurf movie:

1. Papa Smurf - Donald Trump (he could fire all the Smurfs if they didn't do what he said.

2. Smurfette - Cameron Diaz

3. Brainy Smurf - Eddie Deezen (he does the voice of Mandark on Dexter's Lab)

4. Clumsy Smurf - Gerald Ford (for the rotoscoping); George W. Bush (for the voice...the character on TV had a Southern accent too!)

5. Vanity Smurf - any gay actor that hasn't quite come out of the closet yet but wants to come out in stages.

6. Jokey Smurf - Pauly Shore

7. Baker Smurf (or whoever did the cooking) - Emeril (BAM!)

8. Gargamel - Christopher Lee (He'll do ANYTHING!)

9. Baby Smurf - Gwyneth Paltrow's baby, Apple

10. Azrael - my cat Chelmsford.