A detailed analysis of what I consider to be the cheesiest song alive.

Sudiegirl sez:

I want to apologize in advance for the harsh treatment of Bette Midler's classic song, "Wind Beneath My Wings". I know that many people have been inspired by this damned song, and I'm trying really hard to be respectful of that. However, enough time has gone by and other faux-inspirational songs have inched their way in to the "pantheon of cheese" ("My Heart Will Go On", anyone?) that I decided it was finally time to take care of business and kick this song in the butt like it so richly deserves. And kick it I shall.

OK, folks, here we go...

(P.S. BTW, Dick Gautier, one-time fixture of '60s and '70s sitcoms, drew the lovely caricature of Bette shown above. Please visit his website at www.dickgautier.com, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at his talent.)

Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.

(I never trust a song that starts off this way. It's just cheese waiting to happen.)

It must have been cold there in my shadow,

to never have sunlight on your face.

(OK, rub it in a little more...with salt, please, that's the way I like it.)

You were content to let me shine, that's your way.

You always walked a step behind.

(So basically, whoever wrote this song is thanking someone for acting like a combination geisha/mime?)

So I was the one with all the glory,

(My, aren't we sure of ourselves? No humility present, is there?)

while you were the one with all the strength.

A beautiful face without a name for so long.

(Actually, it had a name, you just forgot it. Schmuck.)

A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

(Thank God for Vicodin, that's all I have to say...)

Did you ever know that you're my hero,

and everything I would like to be?

(OK, contradiction here...if you would like to emulate this person, why don't you? Cause it's easier to be a conceited ass?)

I can fly higher than an eagle,

for you are the wind beneath my wings.

(Whoopee. Call the papers...you're the wind beneath her wings, dammit. Maybe the article will be squeezed in the back by the lottery numbers.)

It might have appeared to go unnoticed, (Oh, no, no...lack of appreciation is a cornerstone of a great relationship.)

but I've got it all here in my heart.

(Gee, too bad it didn't make it all the way into your brain.)

I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.

I would be nothing without you.

(I hate that phrase. We all know it's a sham! Say what you mean..."You're the only one who puts up with my pathetic bullshit, and in five minutes I'm going to do something equally stupid, causing you personal pain and anguish. But isn't it a pretty melody?")

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

(Yeah, you mentioned it. God, you're forgetful!)

You're everything I wish I could be.

(So quit the performing life and get a straight job so you can be a corporate drone too!)

I could fly higher than an eagle,

(except for the fact that you insist on driving a Ferrari instead)

for you are the wind beneath my wings.

(And you are the sand inside my shorts.)

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?

(Twice now...those memory blockers work too well.)

You're everything, everything I wish I could be.

(Uh-huh. That and a couple bucks extra, and you'll get a Happy Meal.)

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,

(so do it already, or do you have to wait until after your liposuction?)

for you are the wind beneath my wings,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

(And remember folks, nothing says sincerity like repeating a line twice.)

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.

You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.

(I, I, I wish the stupid eagle would get sucked into a jet engine already!)

Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.

(No, you just go do it, and I have to explain to everyone why you're late, absent, or suffering from altitude sickness)

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

(Yeah, yeah, yeah...the wind between your ears...)

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,

so high I almost touch the sky.

(Gee, maybe you'll get burned by the sun? Hope so!)

Thank you, thank you, thank God for you,

(Well, I'd thank God for you if I worshipped SATAN!)

the wind beneath my wings.

There now, wasn't that refreshing? If you liked that, let me know if there are other songs you'd like me to tear apart and rend useless.

Sudiegirl the sensitive, artistic yet lovable soul.