Being bipolar

My friend Denise has a daughter who has recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

We talk about it every once in a while.

She recounts the latest tale of woe (Chris is in a foster home, Chris has threatened Denise's life, Chris broke into Denise's house and stole money). All I can do is say "I'm sorry" and say that this is all part of the disease and it never affects two people in the same way. I feel like that explanation is a copout, but it's all I can give.

I've never (that I remember) threatened anyone's life while in a manic upswing. The majority of the harm I've done is to myself, and anyone else who's suffered is because of the crossfire effect. My parents and sister can testify to that.

One of the hardest things I've had to go through since being diagnosed is having these "moments of clarity", not unlike an alcoholic's, where I remember an event objectively instead of subjectively. It's weird...it's like I'm watching the events as they're occuring in a terrarium or a snowglobe. Little miniature versions of me and the other parties involved, and I'm watching myself and going, "Now why in the hell did I do that? I only made it harder for myself. Oh yeah...I was undiagnosed back then...DUH!" (Not exactly the most politically correct approach, but hey, it's my psyche, not yours.) Denise said that Chris had these moments of clarity before the last big meltdown, and Chris was scared to death.

No wonder. Confronting yourself is the biggest scare tactic of all. I hate doing it, especially when I'm currently between therapists (as I am now).

When I lived in Iowa, and my parents were closer by, my mother was especially afraid when I confronted things in my therapy. I don't know if it was a fear for me, a fear for herself (that she should have done more, etc)., but when you're bipolar, your focus is very narrow.

For better or worse, when you're bipolar, it's all about you...whether you're getting off on the chaos, you want the chaos to stop, you HAVE to have $200 worth of office supplies (or you HAVE to buy expensive gifts for others), you buy a car when you have no money to pay for it...and other people are just incidental. When you're in between spells, you look around at the rubble you've created and go, "What the hell happened?"

Then it all comes back, and you get depressed.

It's like living in a hamster wheel.

I have no advice for how to deal with this...just hang on tight, and know that anyone who knows about your situation and wants to help are going to be in for the long haul. Let them be there for as long as they can...you'll thank them for it later.

Sudiegirl