Thursday, March 15, 2007

doubts on a thursday

Well, if you saw me this morning you'd think I was a Samsonite employee. Why?

The bags under my eyes.

Yep - my sleep cycles are screwed up six ways to Sunday. I'm not sure why other than it's delayed reaction from the accident PLUS I'm trolling for vampires PLUS I'm stressed about the imploding -er, impending - nuptials.

I have to get copies of divorce papers from both dee-vorces (one in my home county and one from the county where Ed H. lives).

I have to round up whatever family members of mine are attending said celebration. (So far, there are two, I think.)

I have to work through the dread of D's parents coming to visit. I don't want to deal with them...they've caused him enough pain and I'm already cleaning up a lot of garbage. Don't want any more, thank you...reached my limit and that's it. They don't treat me a whole lot better than D, and I wonder if they view me as a Hester Prynne or Jezebel type. However, that would require them to give a shit about D, so I guess I know the answer to that.

The scenario that plays in my head is this:

  • D's mother will try to change everything we've planned (although how you change NOTHING from NOTHING is a mystery...and Billy Preston thought so too), and chastise D for everything she can.
  • My mother will be nervous because she hardly knows anyone (resulting in barking at me), and she'll be missing Daddy and won't want to talk about it.
  • D's dad will be a stiff and never smile or laugh or anything.
  • I'll be a nervous wreck and swinging between laughing and crying my eyes out.

I'm really not sure if I'm meant to be married anyway. After all, divorces don't happen by themselves - both parties contribute. I've already got two under my collective experience belt. Why the FUCK do I want to go through a third? Tell me...why?

Is it love?

Is it expectations of being married again before age 40?

It's not fabulous cash and prizes, that's for sure.

It's not because I think this guy will never leave. Things end. I know this. Either he leaves or I do. I'm not naive (not much, anyway). But I don't really handle someone leaving ME all that well. I've made amends with a couple of men, but there's a couple of 'em that could die a grisly painful death and it wouldn't bother me much at all. (Very twisted, but true.)

I think it's because sooner or later, I'll screw up so heinously that it would have been better to NOT get married in the first place. Hell, I feel that way right now. I feel some days like every single thing I touch turns to ca-ca. I know that everyone goes through this and I should not feel alone.

But I don't feel alone. I just feel pissed - angry - weary - tired - frustrated - bitter. Is it a downswing after my "monthly friend" has left the building? Perhaps, but that doesn't make it any less valid. It just makes it more intense...then it'll just fade away into a niggling little thought that creeps this...

"What the hell do YOU want?"
"Now, don't be so hostile...I'm just wondering if you've thought the rest of this stuff through."
"What stuff?"
"Oh, how quickly they know...the WEDDING?"
"Oh...shit...that. No, I haven't forgotten."
"You're not actually going to go THROUGH with it, are you?"
"Well, of course I am. I promised I would."
"Uh - huh."
"D means a lot to me. I want to be with him. I promised."
"Uh - huh."
"Don't say 'uh-huh' to me like that. It's very annoying."
"Uh-huh. So why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Doing WHAT to myself?"
"Committing again. Obviously you suck at it. Remember the plants?"
"What plants?"
"You know, the ones you didn't water after Mike left and just let hang on the walls in their hangers."
"Oh yeah...what did my mom say about those again?"
"I believe it was, 'Thank God they weren't children...' "

Notice there are no helpful words in this conversation from my brain...just needling. Even my brain's turned against me.