Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Quickie Moment of Dad, wedding presents for TomKat, and a glorious "Huh" award

Really short Moment of Dad today -

Dad was never a morning person. One day, he woke up early to go to work at the post office, and he trudged into the kitchen to get breakfast.

At that time, he liked a cereal called "Cracklin' Bran", and the pieces were square with rounded corners.

Unfortunately, it was also shaped like Puppy Chow.

In an effort to organize the kitchen or something, one of us put the Puppy Chow in the same type of Tupperware container that stored cereal (you know the one - the rectangular one with the flip lid). So, the Puppy Chow and the Cracklin' Bran were each housed in these Tupperware boxes (Puppy Chow in one, Cracklin' Bran in the other).

Dad just grabbed one of the containers without checking it because he hadn't had his first cup of coffee yet. So he poured himself a nice, big heaping bowl of Puppy Chow, with milk and sugar.

My sister and I were spared the outrage that followed, but Mom wasn't.

However, we did learn never to put Puppy Chow in one of those containers again.

Thank you, goodnight.

And now, from "The Moment We Haven't Been Waiting for" files:

Yep, Ol' TomKat is tying the knot. Woo-hoo. (By the way, when two people are combined as one obnoxious Hollywood entity, are they singular or plural, as far as grammar is concerned?)

Regardless, I still feel that they need presents from "the rabble" (i.e. the staff of Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc.), so with that in mind, here's a list of ideas I came up with my own bad self. (Millie helped, and Chelmsford hid under the bed.)

* Gift Certificate good for one (1) free reality check from Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc.

* For Katie, one (1) medium size French-cut "I sold my soul to Scientology and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" shirt.

* For Tom, a book that truly reflects his personality - a biography of Napoleon.
* For Suri, a lifetime gift certificate for therapy from her choice of psychologists.

* Tupperware (hey, everyone needs Tupperware, and they come in better colors now)

* Anything emblazoned with the image of a jackelope (everyone loves the jackelope...he's the patron saint of North Dakota!)

So, gentle readers, here's my question...if YOU could give TomKat a wedding present, what would it be? Think long and hard about it, because if you get them something they don't like, they'll just regift it to someone else like...oh, I don't know...Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake should THEY ever tie the knot.


We have another winner in the "Huh?" department, and maybe even a "Scrappy Doo" for good measure.

Recipient: Dr. Alan Bauman

Reason: Eyelash transplants.

To quote the article:
Eyelash transplant surgery wants to become the new must-have procedure for women -- and the occasional man -- convinced that beauty is not so much in the eye of the beholder as in front of the eye itself.

Using procedures pioneered by the hair loss industry for balding men, surgeons are using "plug and sew" techniques to give women long, sweeping lashes once achieved only by glued on extensions and thick lashings of mascara.

And just like human hair -- for that is the origin -- these lashes just keep on growing.

"This is a brand new procedure for the general public (and) it is going to explode," Bauman told Reuters during what was billed as the world's first live eyelash
surgery workshop for about 40 surgeons from around the world.

Under the procedure, a small incision is made at the back of the scalp to remove 30 or 40 hair follicles which are carefully sewn one by one onto the patient's
eyelids. Only light sedation and local anesthetics are used and the cost is around $3,000 an eye.

Now, before people label me as a cruel person who doesn't understand the benefits of plastic surgery, I do most sincerely understand how something like this can help people. Eyelashes protect the eyes against dust particles and other icky things. To quote the article again:

The technique was first confined to patients who had suffered burns or congenital malformations of the eye. But word spread and about 80 percent are now done for cosmetic reasons.

Judge's comments:

Eighty percent- that's a big-ass number. That means that the vast majority of people that have this procedure done don't need to protect their eyeballs, only their vanity.

God - I'm ashamed to be a human some days.

I mean, think about it...I know that mascara is a pain, and there's many formulations of it that I don't like. But I don't have to take out a loan to pay for it (unless it's Chanel).

And come on...the procedure costs $3K per eye! $6K for both eyes (unless you chicken out and only have one eye done)! Moreover, if you're in that blessed 80% vanity group, you're not going to be able to convince your health insurance carrier to pay for it. So if the average Joe/Jane wants to have surgically enhanced eyelashes, they've gotta pony up the dough.

In the spirit of helping others (and working off my caffeine buzz), here are some ideas for that "lash-impaired" individual raise money for their eyelash implants. (God, I'm almost ashamed to type that phrase.)

1. A sandwich board (either worn by the individual, or placed discreetly at every street corner within Beverly Hills).

2. A telethon. Think about it...Jerry Lewis has one! Who should endorse a major cause like this? about JOAN COLLINS? (She needs the work.) So here's the, I mean, could call the plea for funds:


There could be a lot more external fundraising with it. You could have little boxes with the Gucci logo on them in every Nordstroms or Nieman Marcus. On the weekend of the telethon, you could have fashion designers and emaciated models walk up and down Rodeo Drive with little signs that say, "fill the Manolo Blahnik", and people would stuff those li'l shoes with $100 bills (or gum wrappers).

3. Go on Oprah. She lives for crap like that. Interviewing stubby-lashed individuals that want to improve themselves is something she'd drool over, and hell - she might even pay for it!

So those are the ideas, friends. Any others you'd care to share with the rest of the class? If so, leave 'em in the comments, please.

And with that, I'm leavin' you for now. Sorry, but true!

(who is also eyelash challenged, but really nearsighted)