A public service for a newly-anointed celebrity...

Never let it be said that I do not feel the emotional pain of celebrities.

I’m sensitive, dammit.

But I gotta tell ya – my good sense was taken away from me yesterday when I went to Giant and bought the latest copy of People magazine.

I used to LIKE People magazine. Really, I did. In addition to the celebrity stuff, they had really good human interest stories, and I usually went by their movie and book reviews. I was never a subscriber, but I picked it up at the doctors’ office or while waiting on line at the grocery store, like everyone.

But I think my love for that magazine of old is waning fast. Why?

They had an eight-page photo/article spread about – Taylor Hicks.

Yes, Taylor “Poster Boy for Grecian Formula” Hicks. The article is not only about Hicks, but about his quest for that perfect woman. He says that “it’s time” after devoting a year to getting that elusive recording contract. Here’s the official quote as noted by realitytvmagazine.com:

Taylor Hicks gets the cover and eight pages inside People Magazine’s special double size “Hottest Bachelors” issue. As a whole, American Idol landed three bachelors on People Magazine’s hottest bachelors list. Joining Taylor Hicks on the list were fellow American Idol 5 finalist Ace Young and American Idol host Ryan Seacrest.

Even though Taylor Hicks is a bachelor, People Magazine reports that he is actively looking for a woman who can “let her hair down and can be who she is and is not pretentious about anything.” One possible candidate appears to be a “tall, beautiful blonde” that Taylor Hicks locked eyes with on a recent plane flight. People Magazine has set up a special email (taylorsmisconnect@peoplemag.com) where the mystery woman can send a picture and flight details.

In the article, Taylor Hicks also denies that he’s the “goofy wedding singer” that American Idol tried to portray him to be, instead Hicks says he is “a musician and a writer” and “a deep person.” Taylor also dishes on everything from the oldest thing in his fridge (“some salsa from like 1995”) to the number of shoes he has (around 50 pairs). People also interviews one of Taylor’s ex-girlfriends (Suzanne Thrash), who lists one of his quirks as that “he likes chocolate milkshakes at 10 P.M.”

OK – I don’t mean to sound cynical or anything … oh, hell – YES I DO.

Let’s examine certain bits and pieces of this, OK? (For the record, this eight-page People photo spread and article makes http://www.datelance.com/ seem almost stealthy.)

First, let’s re-examine this sentence (before you do, though, is there any reason Mr. Hicks should stick his butt out like that? Does he have hemmorhoids?):

Even though Taylor Hicks is a bachelor, People Magazine reports that he is actively looking for a woman who can “let her hair down and can be who she is and is not pretentious about anything.”

(I'm sorry - I still am wondering about the butt. I mean, that picture - he looks like he's straining for SOMETHING, you know? Eewww...someone get this boy some prunes.)

Well, HOO-DOGGIES! I wonder how many bachelors like tightly-wound women that wear their hair in a severe bun? Note to Taylor: I don’t think you REALLY want a woman that isn’t at least a smidge pretentious. If you do, this is what you’ll wind up with…
I’m just sayin’…

Sentence #2 that is also worthy of my bitter tongue:

instead Hicks says he is “a musician and a writer” and “a deep person.”

OK. Rule of thumb: Anyone who says he’s “deep” more than likely is not. In short, he’s as deep as the shallow end of the gene pool he almost drowned in.

Another point: let’s face it – as much as I love music and writing, only .00000000000001 percent of the people doing it make mucho dinero at it. Therefore, unless you’re established and have also invested your money in real estate instead of crystal meth, being a career musician isn’t necessarily the draw you think it’ll be.

Therefore, if you claim “deepness” and are proud of your newfound career, you might very well wind up with…
Other notes for you, Mr. Hicks:

1. Just because someone asks you how many pairs of shoes doesn't mean you have to TELL them. It’s not in good taste, you know? I mean, granted, you don’t have as many as Imelda Marcos, but you have a hell of a lot more shoes than most guys that have straight jobs. You may also have as many pairs of shoes as some women. So just – you know – be cool on that subject when it comes up.

2. Do I have to mention Grecian Formula anymore? I wish I didn’t, but there it is.

3. Just because you have a lot of teeth doesn’t mean you have to show them in every photo.

4. Regarding the blonde you saw at whatever airport it was? Three words: Get.Over.It.

I realize if life was a movie, that woman would find you and you’d live happily ever after and she could recommend hair care products to you. HOWEVER…more than likely, she’s just gonna be creeped out and file a restraining order on you. That's a definite mood breaker.

I know that it can seem touching on the outset, but she might have thought you were her mailman, or you went to school with her cousin or something. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

My advice to you, Mr. Hicks?

Let Rancho Sudiegirl, Inc. help you take care of your dating needs! Like our company motto says, “We’ll do anything to help you with your life as long as there’s nothing good on TV.”

Our caring staff of Life and Dating Assistants are ready to help YOU! Granted, they are cats, and one of them is scared of lint, but they are really earnest in their endeavors, and they don’t shed that much. Plus, they're litter trained.

Think about it, Hicksie – you know where to find us…

Sudiegirl
(Who cares enough to help Taylor Hicks)