And now, from the "You'd think they'd invented pregnancy" files and various news sources...

Sudiegirl sez: I tried to steer away from the whole Tom Cruise mess, but I obviously have failed. Therefore, I have found three articles showing me that YES, Katie is dumber than she looks, but maybe not. It also shows how easily fascinated Tom Cruise can be, and how badly the children he adopted with Nicole Kidman are going to need therapy. Hollyweird is SO annoying…let me skip through this minefield and see what I find.

Katie Holmes signs $40 million pre-nup

BANG Showbiz
May. 3, 2006 11:07 AM

Tom Cruise and fiancee Katie Holmes have signed a $40 million pre-nuptial agreement. (Why do I keep thinking of “Faust”?)

The Hollywood couple - who welcomed their baby daughter, Suri, into the world last month - spent weeks thrashing out the details of the financial agreement, which determines who gets which assets if they ever split. (I wonder who did the thrashing? Katie looks pretty brainwashed to me. Probably the lawyers thrashed while Katie and Tom gazed stupidly into each others’ eyes.)

An $14.7 million trust has been set up for Katie and her baby regardless of whether the couple wed. (Good start.)

But if they do marry and later divorce, the 'Batman Begins' beauty will receive an extra $26 million from Cruise. (Better ending.)

The pair have reportedly decided to get married this July now their pre-nup has been finalised, according to a report in Britain's Daily Mail newspaper. (Nice to have all that rubbish out of the way, huh? Now we can concentrate of ugly bridesmaids’ dresses and whether or not Katie is qualified to wear white? Maybe so, if she still has a pure and virginal heart. BWAHAHAHAAH!)

Katie's parents - who were thought to be worried about the haste of their daughter's romance and the fact she embraced Cruise's Scientology beliefs - are said to be happier about the marriage now she will be taken care of financially. (Money soothes all wounds, I guess…)

A source said: "Katie's family have always been very sceptical bout their romance. They were shocked that Katie got pregnant so quickly and didn't like the way she had turned her back on Catholicism for Scientology."But now this deal has been sorted out they are at least relieved that Katie and her baby will be financially secure for life, even if she doesn't marry Tom." (I LOVE “sources”. It amazes me that they always seem to know JUST what an important party in the story is thinking while the reporter can’t get a direct quote.)

OK…he’s supposedly “ponied up the dough” should things with Katie and the baby go south; I knew he’d piss me off sometime, and here it is:


Wednesday, May 3 2006, 14:48 BST - by Miriam Zendle
Tom Cruise has reportedly designed a fitness programme for fiancee Katie Holmes. (Lovely. Can you say “megalomaniac”? Maybe that’s why he and Nicole broke up…she refused to do calisthenics for his majesty.)

The actress gave birth to daughter Suri two weeks ago, and has already been signed up with programme Buff Brides by Cruise in order to lose three stone before her summer wedding to the star, says Reveal magazine. (OK…if anyone from Britain is reading, or else anyone who can convert stones into US measurements, how much is that?)

Buff Brides' Sue Fleming explained: "Katie can and will do it. She has great motivation. She loves her fiance and was proud that Tom oversaw this programme. He told her he wanted her to be the most beautiful bride ever. She was in tears when he said that." (Meanwhile, does that mean Tom will sit back and snack on placenta while Katie contorts herself in an effort to strengthen her abs? I’d be making him exercise with me, thank you very much! In addition, I’m really unimpressed by the emotional manipulation of Mr. Cruise; it was weird enough to have my first husband pick out the material for the bridesmaids’ dresses.)

However, Holmes's father is not impressed. He said: "My daughter needs rest, relaxation and recuperation. Katie is already doing exercises to build up her back and shoulders and I simply can't go along with what's happening." (Wonder if this was before or after the pre-nup? Something tells me if my sister and I were in the same situation, my dad would still want to aim an assault rifle right at Ol’ Tommy Boy no matter how big the check was. Gotta love dads.)

Katie and Suri Are Giving Tom Cruise an Education (I’ll bet.)
May 3, 2006, 01:31 PM EDT

NEW YORK (AP) -- Tom Cruise being engaged to Toledoan Katie Holmes and becoming the proud papa of a brand new baby girl is an educational process for actor Tom Cruise. In an appearance on "Live With Regis and Kelly" he revealed the extent of what he's learning. (Oh, this oughta be good.)

He admired Ripa's high-heel shoes while on the show, and admitted that until he hooked up with Katie, he "didn't realize the whole thing about women and shoes." Apparently he wasn't a fan of HBO's "Sex and the City," which featured a character who was so obsessed with shoes, she spent thousands of dollars on designer shoes despite having limited funds. (Well, I guess I’m safe. Let’s just hope that Katie’s spending habits don’t follow suit with “Sex and the City”, or Imelda Marcos.)

Cruise added that Katie has taught him that "shoes are an important thing in a woman's life." (So is independent thinking, but apparently, we haven’t reached that level yet.)

Cruise also revealed on the show that he and Katie are mesmerized by their newborn daughter Suri. He said they watch her for hours on end and are even impressed when she has gas. (First off…apparently nobody farts in Hollyweird? That explains a lot right there. Secondly, apparently Mr. Cruise has forgotten that he has two other children with Nicole Kidman. Granted, he didn’t control every nano-second of their in- utero development, but he’s the guy they call DAD. They’re old enough to read the papers and understand the news to a degree…I really feel for those kids, getting shoved aside. I hope that Nicole and whoever her new husband may be down the line can give them the care and nurture they need.)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

Well, the votes are in – I am still not impressed. I know I spent a lot of effort on this post, but it’s mainly to show that people like Tom Cruise can get publicity for intestinal gas preference and acting like a modern-day Simon Le Gree.
Great…