A tale of two potties...

Sudiegirl sez: Hmmm…when some of the most entertaining news of the day revolve around toilets, is that a sign of the apocalypse? I dunno…

Late Grateful Dead Leader's Toilet Stolen
Sun Apr 2, 7:38 AM ET

The long, strange trip continues for Jerry Garcia's toilet. (Wow…I didn’t think acid had that long a shelf life once expelled from the human body. Who knew?)

Police say the Grateful Dead leader's commode was stolen recently from a driveway along with three other toilets and a bidet, The Press Democrat newspaper reported Saturday. (Whatever happened to the good old days, when people stole cars and egged houses? No privy is safe!)

Garcia's salmon-colored toilet was the subject of a legal battle before it was finally moved to Sonoma, to await shipment to a Canadian casino. (Note to self: Do not go to casinos in Canada. They obviously have a different idea of what might be interesting to the public while they wait to play slots.)

It's unclear if the toilet was swiped by a wayward Deadhead or a thief remodeling a bathroom. Police have no suspects or leads. (Gee, can’t it be both? A Deadhead bathroom…hmmm…unique. Lots of patchouli and tie-dye, and you can paint the deadhead bears all around the edges, like wallpaper borders!)

Henry Koltys bought Garcia's Marin County home for $1.39 million in 1997 and removed the toilet and other items he planned to sell to raise money for a charity. (Well, then, what does Mr. Koltys use for a potty? Maybe I don’t wanna know…eewwwww.)

After Koltys sold the house to a friend of the band's, the new owner sued to block the auction. The dispute was resolved last year, and Koltys moved the items to his home in Sonoma, about 40 miles north of San Francisco. (So basically, it was a custody battle over a…toilet. Notice I took the high road and avoided the use of the word “crapper”.)

Last month, Koltys sold the Grateful Dead singer's toilet for $2,550 to online casino Goldenpalace.com, which planned to use it as part of a traveling marketing exhibit. The casino is offering a $250 reward for its return. (My, they’ve got a nice overhead going there…I guess their philosophy is that they shouldn’t have to pay big bucks for someone committing a crime by stealing a toilet in the first place. I’m sorry, I’m really trying hard to keep from laughing.)

Henry Koltys said Friday that the toilet once stood in the master bathroom of Garcia, who died in 1995 at age 53. "It would have been his personal head," he said. (Never say “head” to a drug addict, dude.)

The casino has made other unusual purchases in the last year — it paid $25,000 for actor William Shatner's kidney stones and $28,000 for a grilled cheese sandwich that reportedly had the image of the Virgin Mary on it, Koltys said. (Oh boy…gambling has really started to cater to the bizarro factor, huh?)

Jonathon Lipsin, who worked for Garcia as a gardener and now owns a Northern California record store, said the toilet might appeal to dedicated Deadheads. (Why does this not surprise me? It might make a great bong.)

"It's a little gross," Lipsin said. "But I could see it at a rock 'n' roll museum, too." (Well, as we all know, rock and rollers like to - oh dear God forgive me – POTTY HEARTY.)

Oh my…well, I guess I should hack away at the second article. A tragic story about waterless urinals and the plumbers who hate them…

Plumbers stall waterless urinals in Philadelphia
29 minutes ago

Philadelphia's plumbers are seeing red about an attempt to install "green toilets" in a new high-rise building, saying their work may dry up. (OH, it’s OK for reporters to use puns but not me, huh?)

Plumbers Union Local 690 has come out against the installation of waterless urinals in the Comcast Center, a 975-foot building that will be the city's tallest when completed in 2007.

Jeanne Leonard, a spokeswoman for Liberty Property Trust, the building's developer, said the urinals had been used in many other buildings around the country and would cut water use by 1.6 million gallons a year. (Yeah, but are they sanitary? I mean, I can’t even picture a “waterless urinal”. I don’t think I want to either.)

"We would be frustrated if we are unable to use this technology that's being used in many other places without incident," Leonard said. (Translation: “A guy named Iggy who just so happens to be the brother-in-law of the owner of this place got us a discount.”)

The union opposes the urinals because they do not have water lines and would therefore require less labor than the traditional kind, the Philadelphia Inquirer reported. It said Mayor John Street and other local politicians were trying to mediate the dispute. (I know to me it seems ironic to barter over urinals, but hey…I can see the union’s point. If any schmuck can install them, the plumbers become unnecessary and then they’re out of a sweet contract job. That does suck…)

The union did not return phone calls seeking comment. (They were in the restroom, I guess.)

Sudiegirl’s final opinion?

1. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
2. Whatever happens, I pray you have enough toilet paper to clean up the situation.