Friday, February 10, 2006

And now, from the "Have I been under a rock and missed this breakup?" files and Yahoo! News...

Sudiegirl sez: Well…it’s glad to know that these hard-hitting news stories are still present. It’s a good thing to know that in spite of the war, pain, pestilence and suffering in the world (and that’s just a normal day for Paris Hilton), cutting-edge news stories like this break through the humdrum existence of our lives and speak to us. BTW, the tone of those previous sentences was supposed to be SARCASTIC. Just so ya know.

Ken gets a makeover, hopes to win back Barbie
2 hours, 5 minutes ago

He's been to the gym, looks buff and stylish, and now Barbie's boy toy Ken wants to win back the doll he split from two years ago. (Well, forgive me for asking, but wasn’t he already buff? He just didn’t have much in the crotchular area and he had the plastic immovable hair thing (except for “Mod Hair Ken”), but other than that he was pretty muscular and trim.)

After a two-year separation, Mattel Inc. said on Thursday that Barbie's long-time suitor wants to rekindle his decades-long romance with his plastic paramour. (Gee, sounds like a lot of Hollyweird relationships, doesn’t it?)

Mattel is hoping Ken's return to retail stores can also revitalize the company's overall fortunes. In January, the company blamed sagging Barbie sales for sagging profits. (Yeah…always blame the woman’s sagging for problems in the world…that’s logical - NOT.)

"Ken has revamped his life -- mind, body and soul," Hollywood stylist and Mattel consultant Phillip Bloch said in a statement. "Everyone knows how difficult it is to change, especially when you've lived your life a certain way for more than four decades." (OK…KEN HAS A HOLLYWOOD STYLIST??? A foot-tall male “action figure”, which more than likely will wind up in the microwave or thrown off a roof by an eight-year-old, has a HOLLYWOOD STYLIST? When I read information like this, I really wonder why I’m the one on three different kinds of medication.)

Mattel said in February 2004 that Barbie and Ken had split after 43 years because they wanted to spend some time apart. (Yet another development that truly escaped me in terms of importance in life. Screw that whole Presidential election thing…BARBIE AND KEN SPLIT UP!)

Ken, who appears to have spent time in the gym and at the stylist, returns wearing a beach-wear ensemble complete with board shorts and white T-shirt. (Gee…sounds like MALIBU KEN all over again! My eyes are rolling in disgust and I’m shaking my head in disbelief as I type this. BTW, a bit of Mattel trivia here: first, Mattel actually was the corporate sponsor of “Beany and Cecil”. Second, Mattel is actually the merging of the two founders’ first names…Matt and Eleanor. Yep…I’m “Jeopardy” bound.)

For her part, Barbie publicist Lauren Dougherty said Barbie "appreciates the new look Ken is sporting. He really looks great. But we'll have to stay tuned to see whether these two will get back together." (So after all this angst and change on Ken’s part, Barbie’s still stringing him along? And WHY, pray tell, does a doll who looks like she's a victim of a drive-by foot binding, has "Made in Taiwan" tattooed on her ass, and couldn't bend her legs at the knee for the first 10 years of her existence have a PUBLICIST? He’s an idiot and she’s a bitch. I has spoken, so shall it be, dammit.)

At a press conference unveiling Ken, Bloch said the company was going for a "worldly, European thing," and "definitely wanted to be looking hot." (So, if they’re going for a worldly, European thing, Barbie’s legs need to be hairy and they both need to smell like body odor and cigarettes. I know that’s a European stereotype, but honestly, it’s true in some of the folks I’ve met from Europe before they assimilate.)

Mattel's fourth-quarter results January showed an 18 percent decline in Barbie's U.S. sales. The company said that in addition to "tweaking" the Barbie line this year, more dramatic changes would be made in 2007. (Well, first of all, “tweaking” Barbie sounds like something Barbie would sue someone for on the grounds of sexual harassment. Secondly, what else can they do to Barbie and Ken that hasn’t been done? Here are some ideas from Rancho Sudiegirl…maybe Mattel is reading?)

  1. Cassandra, Ken’s needy, bipolar, borderline personality disorder “part-time” lover. She comes with her own meds (Paxil, Valium, lithium, and diet pills), tiny razor blades (in case she wants to slash her wrists) and other accessories, including a rotating retainer of therapists.

  2. Paco, Barbie’s new poolboy. He’s tan, he wears a Speedo, he never gets a sunburn, and he’ll do anything for a green card. Comes with his own pool cleaners kit and a tiny bottle of chlorine. Also comes with separate accessory kit of musk oil, thumb screws and leather chaps in case Barbie gets a little crazy.

  3. Joe, Ken’s “regular guy” friend. A contrasting character to Ken, he comes with a retractable beer belly (with “sucking in” sound effects when Barbie walks by), season tickets to the NFL team of your choice, a La-Z-Boy chair with remote control pockets, and a year’s supply of beef jerky.

  4. Pam, Barbie’s “born-again Christian” second cousin who lives in a trailer park in a generic Southern town. She comes with several Peter Pan blouses that button all the way up to her neck. Other accessories include: a tiny Holy Bible and one dozen religious tracts; protest signs for the local abortion clinic, inspiring poems by Helen Steiner Rice, and a miniature fifth of Jack Daniels conveniently hidden under the kitchen sink. (Hey, every girl has a vice.)
In short, if we’re gonna get real, this is as real as it gets. I’ll be contributing more companions for the new and improved Barbie line, so keep reading!

Sudiegirl the oh-s0-creative.