Things that make you go "duh"! From "Dear Abby"

(Sudiegirl sez: I really thought this letter was quite funny, and I think that this guy who wrote it sets the example for the saying, "Just 'cuz ya got it don't mean ya need to use it!" Snotty comments are interspersed, with some surprises! I included the picture of everyone's favorite hunter so when you read this, you can think, "What Would Elmer Do?" Hell, I may even try to have t-shirts printed up saying that. Stay tuned!)

TEEN WHO SOWED HIS OATS ENDS UP WITH QUITE A CROP

By Abigail Van Buren Tue Jul 12, 8:07 PM ET

DEAR ABBY: My name is "Johnny." I am 18 and currently incarcerated. I was locked up last March and won't be out for another five months. I'm facing a terrible problem when I get out and I need your help.
(Ya know, between the title and the first paragraph, I'd be writing him off right about now. But we'll let him say his piece...more or less...)

I have a girlfriend, "Brianna," who I love with all my heart and will do anything for. (And apparently you did do something, otherwise you wouldn't be wearing prison blues, now, would ya?) We have been together since I was 14. She has been with me through everything. She's now pregnant with my baby. (OK, so far, understandable...)

Her cousin and her best friend are also pregnant. They all know each other is pregnant, but the cousin and friend haven't told Brianna that I'm the father.
(I'd say he did more than one "something"...sounds like three total. Better hope they're not carryin' twins, there, flunkie!)

She has been asking questions, but they tell her they're "not sure." They insist that it's my place to tell her. (You know, they're right, but the fact that they're speaking to each other and they each put two and two together and know that you've been playin' "Hide the Pickle" with the other means you'd better watch your back!)

My mother secretly pays for each of the girls' doctor visits and everything they need, but she says she can't keep sneaking around doing this.
(Do you know the meaning of the word "ENABLER", MOM? I don't think most mothers would do that. I know my 1st husband's mother, when she found out he may have gotten a 21-year old chippie pregnant, said, "How the hell could you be sure that you're the father?" No enabling there!)

It's killing me knowing I'll have to hurt my girlfriend. (Just your GIRLFRIEND? How about the other two women you knocked up, and the children who will be caught in the middle?) I don't want her to leave me because I love her, and she has both of my cars, my motorcycle and the house I bought. (Duh!)

I'm afraid she will destroy them when she finds out. (Gee, nice that you mentioned the anguish and suffering she'll go through...NOT!) I'm so worried I can't sleep. Please tell me what to do. -- (Oh, don't tempt me...)

JOHNNY-IN-A-SPOT

DEAR JOHNNY: As I see it, you have three choices: ask to join a witness protection program, beg for an extended sentence -- or start acting like a man and take responsibility for your actions. Count on your girlfriend being upset when you tell her. That's a normal reaction to finding out the person she loved and trusted cheated on her with two other women -- her best friend and her cousin.

While you're talking, suggest that she do nothing rash, because you may have to sell the cars, the motorcycle and the house to live up to your financial obligations to all three of your children.

(Does Abby kick ass or what?! Yeah, baby!)

OK, now here's the kicker...if more celebrities or fictional characters had advice columns (like they have in teeny-bopper mags like "Tiger Beat"), what would they say? Here are a couple choices.


1. Tom Cruise's answer:
"There is no such thing as pregnancy. According to Scientology, babies just fall out of the sky and magically appear under cabbage leaves during a full moon. I've studied it. I know!"

2. Katie Holmes' answer:
"Whatever you say, Tom!"

3. Martha Stewart's answer:
"While in prison, you too can make a beautiful layette set out of standard prison sheets, permanent marker and Popsicle sticks. Best wishes, and it's a good thing!"

4. Britney Spears' answer:
"Wow! I'm pregnant too, and I actually know who the father is!"

5. Ashlee Simpson's answer:
"Can I sing at the christening?"

And with that, I sign off for the afternoon...
Sudiegirl