And now, from the "My Mom Buys Beer Bongs" file and Yahoo! News...

(Sudiegirl's note...Marge stopped by to comment on this story, and I quote: "Mmmmmmmmmmm." I mean, I'm no prude, I've shotgunned many a beer in my day. I don't wanna sound like Phyllis Schlafly or anyone like that, so I'll just put in my own snotty comments, and then we'll hear other TV mothers speak out. The story goes...)


Mom Pleads Guilty to Hosting Sex Parties
(That title alone signifies something I can honestly say my mom would NOT do. Whether or not this affects her coolness factor depends on her PR group, I guess...)

Mon Jul 25, 6:29 PM ET

GOLDEN, Colo. - A woman who told police she wanted to be a "cool mom" pleaded guilty to sexual assault charges Monday for having sex with high school boys at parties where authorities said she supplied drugs and alcohol. (Oh boy...I actually remember that when I was in school, there were parents who would facilitate stuff like that as well, and they were "high-ranking" community members! I never went to those parties...I didn't want to get caught drunk and puking in my own hometown, for God's sake.)

Silvia Johnson, 40, pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts of sexual assault and nine felony counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. As part of a plea agreement, prosecutors dropped two counts of distribution of methamphetamine. (Where did they drop it? Ar ar...)

"She described herself as a `cool mom,'" Detective R.J. Vander Veen wrote in the affidavit. He said Johnson told investigators "she was never popular with classmates in high school and now began `feeling like one of the group.'" (Is it just me, or is there something a little off about a 40 year old woman wanting to fit in with a bunch of skanky teenage boys? Can you say "arrested development"?)

Prosecutors did not recommend a sentence (they were probably trying to stifle their gag reflex), but each sexual assault count carries up to two years in prison, and each count of contributing to the delinquency of a minor carries up to six years, district attorney's spokeswoman Pam Russell said. (In other words, "Ya f****d up, Mom!" Should have hired a lookout.)

Johnson, who is free on bail, held parties for the boys almost weekly between October 2003 and October 2004, authorities said. She was accused of providing drugs and alcohol to eight boys and having sex with five of them. (How good looking was she anyway? I mean, unless she's stunningly good looking, I cannot imagine a teenage boy gettin' jiggy with a mom unless he's really horny - distinct possibility - or she's really hot, or combinations thereof. Either that, or beer goggles were present and accounted for at these high school orgies.)

Police said the investigation began after one of the boys told his mother about the encounters, and she reported it to authorities. (And how much you wanna bet his house was egged and his yard was TP'd? Never pays to be a snitch, my friend...)

Of course, to get the word on the street, I surveyed various paragons of virtue and motherhood to get their opinions. Take it away, ladies...

June Cleaver sez: "Well, I know Wally and the Beav would never do anything like that...although they did start working on a machine in the basement they said was for a Boy Scout science project and all of a sudden, they're the most popular kids in the neighborhood."

Donna Reed sez: "Well, my husband is a doctor, and he does bring home samples, but that doesn't mean anything...um...did I mention I was in 'From Here to Eternity'?"

Joan Crawford sez: "NO WIRE HANGERS! I'M NOT MAD AT YOU, I'M MAD AT THE DIRT!" (OK, Joan, guess we'll come back later.)

Sudiegirl's final word?

I have two cats, did I mention? They don't do stuff like this.