And now, from the "Hey Big Spender" files and Yahoo! News...

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."

-Bob Hope

(Note: If you click on the above quote, it will take you to a website chock full of famous quotes from famous people. However, I included this quote and the picture of Mr. Benny to illustrate the importance of this study to man and woman alike. For women, it's important because we no longer have to lie about growling stomachs and hypoglycemia. For men, it's important because it shows that you have manners, taste and style...three things that chicks dig. On TV, in radio and on film, Jack Benny made America laugh with cheapskate jokes and dating issues, but in real life he was happily married and very generous. Way to go, Jack! And now, the usual snotty comments from yours truly.)

Wining and dining best way to woo women
Tue Jul 26,10:06 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Forget expensive presents or costly jewellery. Wining and dining is the best way for men to woo women, scientists said on Tuesday. (Well, scientists finally got something right!)

Researchers at Imperial College London developed a mathematical formula and modelled courtship as a sequential game to find the best way to impress the ladies. (Leave it to guys to throw in math and ruin everything...

Their results show that offering an expensive present signals the man's serious intentions but he must be wary of being exploited by gold-diggers who will dump him after receiving the gift. (Dude...wait...that's something that most mothers tell their sons when they're out of the womb, isn't it? Some of the cheapest, nastiest gifts I've ever received from a guy are the ones picked out by the mother.)

"Guys are less likely to offer expensive gifts to females they don't have a long-term interest in. {Define "long-term interest", please? Are we labeling "nice girls" and "bad girls" here? Help me out!} And girls won't be impressed with cheap gifts. {Well, DUH! No wonder mathematicians have trouble getting dates...not everyone likes dates who state the obvious. That coozie with "dogs playing pool" on it may be good for Aunt Mabel in the nursing home, but not that future main squeeze.}"

"By offering expensive but worthless gifts, such as dinner and theatre trips, the male pays no cost if the invitation isn't accepted," said Dr Peter Sozou, of University College London (UCL). (Uh, what about the cost of the tickets?)

If women are not interested they are unlikely to accept the invitation, according to the research published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society of London B. (Unless they're hungry and/or theatre buffs, that is. I've endured worse things for a free meal.)

The researchers said giving gifts was a feature of courtship in humans and other species to impress females. Physical attraction is an important element but offering gifts also helps. (Again, scientists stating the obvious.)

"Our analysis shows there is evolutionary logic in men 'burning money' to impress the girl," said Professor Robert Seymour of UCL's department of mathematics. (Well, thank heaven for that! Otherwise, it'd be a total waste of time! God...what a way to put it. No romance...)

Sudiegirl's final thought?

Hope you're reading this, Lance Archibald. Your friends may have gotten you into quite a pickle!