Oh, WHERE do I BEGIN? A "Mooving" tale of one Nigerian cop's quest for justice and ground chuck...courtesy of Yahoo! News

(Sudiegirl's disclaimer...you should see my face as I'm reading this...it's a constant cross between an incredulent stare and a smirk. I'm sure cows can be hazardous. I grew up in Iowa and have heard horror stories of bulls and other livestock running amok, for sure, but cows are just another intriniscally funny animal just like moose, and what's more, I like my cow well done. Apologies to PETA...wait, scratch that...apologies to all chapters of the National Cattlemen's Association for the fact that they didn't figure out this new method of procuring cattle without going to the sale barn. And now, (you know I've gotta say it)...let's MOOOOOVE on to the story. You know the drill, gentle readers...)

Police arrest killer cow
Fri Jun 10,10:04 AM ET
LAGOS (Reuters) - Nigerian police have arrested a cow that killed a bus driver who was urinating on a highway, a police spokesman said Thursday.
(OK, how many of you readers have ever heard of the old wives' tale about peeing on the side of the road will cause you to develop a stye? Well, Grandma never thought about this!)

The horned African cow, which was wandering stray in the Ojo district of Nigeria's biggest city Lagos, also injured several bystanders after killing the man.
(Well, you know what? First of all, if you're staring at a guy while he's peeing, you're just asking for trouble on so many levels...wind direction not being in your favor, feelings of inadequacy, etc., so if you're dumb enough to stand there and watch him pee, then watch the cow knock the poor civil servant down to the ground, then act surprised when the cow realizes you're watching it, then you deserve whatever injury you get. Sorry, but true!)

"The cow went mad, ran into a bus driver and knocked him down. Efforts to revive him were fruitless," said Lagos police spokesman Olubode Ojajuni.
(Again, my warped satirist's viewpoint - or should I say sadist's viewpoint? - is that the Lagos police investigators saw what happened, laughed at what happened to the spectators, came over to the body, poked it with a stick, said "Yeah, he's dead. Where's my check at? I'd better get overtime for this..." and left. I'm sure the investigation was more thorough than that, but it's much funnier MY way, don't ya think?)

Some people suggested the animal be shot, but the district police officer ordered it to be taken alive.
(Ya know why? Gunpowder ruins the meat. It's true! Why would I lie?)

"You know what it will take to arrest a mad cow?" one newspaper quoted a policeman as saying.
(God, that sounds like a punchline at the National Cattle Congress. And as far as the cow being mad, well, that's prejudicial language...what about 'depressed cow', 'neurotic cow', 'delusional bovine syndrome' or 'bipolar bovine disorder'? We don't know what was going through the cow's mind, now, do we? I don't even know if they Mirandize cows in Nigeria!? "You have the right to remain silent, etc., etc.,...do you understand the rights as I have read them to you?" --"Moo!" And then the "Law and Order - USDA Unit" music begins and all hell breaks loose, and not even the spirit of Jerry Orbach can stop it. Oh god, I'm rambling...sorry...)
"We applied ingenuity and arrested the cow, which is now being detained at the station," he said without going into details.
(Detained, my ass! It's on a spit, marinated in A-1 Steak Sauce, and you can smell it all the way to Sierra Leone. Poor cow...never even had a chance to call Amnesty International.)
Ojajuni said police were seeking the cow's owner to press charges for failing to keep it under control.
(The cow's owner was spotted at the nearest Farm & Fleet, asking anyone if they had calves for sale. Meanwhile, the Lagos Police Department is hosting a city-wide cookout for as long as supplies last...)

Sudiegirl's final word?
I know I have offended people on many counts...cow lovers, Nigerians, PETA, Jerry Orbach's widow, and others. But ya gotta admit, this is funnier than shit. And now, to the strains of "Bessie the Heifer, the Queen of all the Cows" (a Wayne Newton hit in the early days of his career), I must bid you a fond adieu and go to the nearest dis-cow-teque for some good clean bovine hijinks.


(BTW, this is the cow's mugshot. Looks good enough to EAT!)

Carnivorously yours,
Sudiegirl