New line of "sugar-free" Hallmark cards...courtesy of Paul P.

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
__________________________________________________________________
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me. ####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again. ********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. =====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.