And now, a few words about...the Red Hat Society (or "Why women with menopause should not be allowed to form clubs unsupervised.")

OK, my mother has done something recently that really disturbs me.

No, she's not shooting up heroin, gambling or having an affair with Ed McMahon. I wish it were that simple.

She's joined the Red Hat Society.

For those of you who are not aware (and I was one of them until a few months ago), the Red Hat Society is (at least) a national organization that promotes menopausal socialization and dressing oneself up to look like a bruise, or even a blood clot if one desires. The rules are thus: whenever one goes to a meeting of the Red Hat Society, they must wear a red hat with a purple flower on it, and purple clothing of some sort. In addition, the dues are $35 per year. What does this club do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF REDEEMING VALUE.

Oh, and of course, to make one even more ill, they have "auxiliary members" who have to wear pink hats and lavender clothing. Considering membership in the Red Hat Society is for those 50 and over, the auxiliary status is very perilously close to my age group. After all, I am 36 and my menses can't hold out forever, ya know? My sister is going to get sucked in next...I can feel it in my bones.

So anyway, while these "blood clot ladies" wander the countryside doing absolutely nothing, I ask myself these questions:

1. Is this really some kind of "Stepford" thing? I mean, they all look entirely happy in their staged eccentricity, and they really have a glazed, Hare Krishna look in their eyes as they preach the word of "doing what the hell they want because they're old ladies, dammit"! Next thing you know, they're going to be wandering around in airports handing out purple daisies and pamphlets, all the while being snickered at by flight attendants on their way to Duluth.

2. What happens when two Red Hat Society chapters run into each other at the same craft store or quaint tearoom? Does it turn into a bloodbath with Geritol and Metamucil spraying everywhere, with Mildred Smith being quoted as saying, "Well, young man, I'm a member of the GARDENIA chapter of the Red Hat Society, and this damned PETUNIA Red Hat bitch was on our turf!!! She should have known better and stuck to their side of the craft aisle." I don't want my mother to die in a haze of plastic canvas...

3. Is this society going to lead to an increased amount of "Murder She Wrote" orgies, with these miscreants making crank calls to the Depends factory or that hot, retired urologist next door to Matilda Jones? (He is available, you know, and he has a very large IRA account, among other things, giggle)

Seriously, though, why should women have to pay $35 and dress stupid just to go do things that they want to do anyway? I wish our society wasn't so stuck on cutesy things that women feel they have to do in order to fit in or age gracefully. I mean, that's just frustrating, and I don't get it at all. Maybe one has to be of that generation to understand it, and hopefully it'll be just a fad by the time my eggs dry up.

Well, I guess I know what I'll get Mom for Christmas, and I'll put a grocery bag over my head to match (a PINK one, of course, since I'm not of the magic age yet).

Yours till the fad wears off,
Sudiegirl